bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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