i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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