I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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