your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
