I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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