I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A bitchslap is in order.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
