Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
