In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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