I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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