mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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