Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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