The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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