So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
birth control should be required to get into college
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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