God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
