God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
