glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
