The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
