I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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