Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
