So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
