I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
