She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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