i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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