could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
