I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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