Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
