Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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