I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize