Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
