eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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