i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
