Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize