"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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