Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
