I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
In America we eat man semen.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
