Someone shit on the floor
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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