Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize