Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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