well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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