i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
