good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
a search helicopter?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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