I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
