Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
