Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
