just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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