hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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