ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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