everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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