so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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