Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
