Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
