you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
