WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize