You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
