I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
