he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
there is glitter all over my balls
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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