I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize