A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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