She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
